Why reach out? Why speak out?
I don't know about anyone else, and it may be one of my many weaknesses, but deep down, I guess I have a need to prove (to mySelf mostly) that there is a true-natured, honorable investigative journalist left "out there," somewhere.
That there are still a few left "out there"who can still be reached. That it hasn't all been worth naught.
That there is a spark of hope for those to carry on when I, and a number of others preparing to transition as well, will lob the last of our seeds over the hedge to find a hint of fertile ground. (Just in the tiny little pocket of scrappers that have recently come together, there are at least three elders trying to get their last efforts formulated and "out there" and with some form of dignity and hope.)
And finally, I guess there is something in me that fears drying up and blowing to the winds as the dust of what COULD have been, had I just met that final length with my final breath. That final breath that I knew the moment I took my first breath this go round would be a defiant "NO" wrapped tightly in the same last breath in just as defiant of a "YES!!!"
Now, I am quite certain that these words are as true to my core being as they ever will be.
How do I know?
Because this is the first time in a very long time I awoke at precisely 3:00 am, with a voice empowered by Ages of elders' voices from deep within that Void, to do ALL that I can up to my final moment. With as much grace and dignity as I can muster. With a glimmer of hope. A Prymal spark.
If I don't stick my head out periodically to speak of the dirty truths or of the beauty that IS still remaining, how will it ever be heard by the few willing to hear? (Albeit cursed and condemned by the many.)
Why is this website here, if not for the eyes and ears of the few?
And I will not disrespect this cave of healing/womb of life and death, nor myself, by retreating into the "defeated guru in the cave" archetype. I will not spend eternity on my rocking chair in the Void saying, "What if I had only..." And I have shared with many, I would much rather be saying, "Now that was stupid. But at least I tried."
And THAT has never changed throughout this entire journey. This is ME. Why would it change now? Must be that proud Prymal Scot/Irish/Pict in me. Or the wild, creative Bohemian in me. Or the Carpathian Elemental essence still stirring within me. Or...
I molded quite a last hoorah vessel for mySelf in this expression of form that carries the name of Marilee NiEtain and of SnowFyre, if I do have to say so mySelf. And if that meets with disapproval? Well, so be it. Wouldn't be the first time. Or the last. Seems to come quite easily with the territory.
And no, not everyone is expected to display such madness. They are free to display THEIRS in whatever manner THEY see fit. In whatever level of dignity and sovereighty THEY see fit. In whatever level of authenticity THEY can muster when it is time to meet THEIR maker. The Maker which will be ThemSelves staring back at THEM.
As must I. Just as I AM.
Blessings, Gratitude, & Safe Passage